The 2014 World Cup is the most technologically advanced
Coupe de Monde of all time. Fact. We have the goal line technology (and it
works) and we have the referees and their spray cans (which also look to
work).We have that amazing overhead camera that I know has been used for years,
but still looks amazing; we have players tweeting selfies with physios,
politicians and multiple versions of themselves and fans tweeting players and
pundits with opinions, praise and complaints.
# BALOTELLILAD
We also have various platforms on which we can keep up
with the games; live blogs, digital radio and of course live footage on mobile
and tablet devices. These are ideal for me, as my commute home from work
coincides with the kick off of the second half of the 5pm game. Believe it or not,
kjisnotinbrazilfortheworldcup blog fans, I am but a lowly social media advisor,
and not the professional football writer that you may have been led to believe
as you scroll through these pages.
Instead of being paid to offer my analysis, musings and
such like on the beautiful game, my bills are paid by asking people for their
full postcodes via Twitter and being a First World Problem Solver on Facebook
for a Hong Kong based mobile telecoms company. It's not the worst of jobs, as
it makes me appreciate that in comparison to people with nothing better to do
with their lives than complain that they haven't been able to use Facebook for
an hour, by telling me this on Facebook, my life is quite sweet.
It's upped my tolerance for certain things (mainly technology
and morons) but it's human nature to be frustrated when you can't get what you
want.
For example, I really wanted to watch Portugal versus
Germany yesterday. Having seen the first 30 minutes via the work WiFi and my
iPad (#humblebrag), I was content with knowing I'd miss the latter part of the
half in order to get my train. Half past five came and I went, making a beeline
for the lower platform at Glasgow Central, going past the big clock in the
centre of it at my usual time.
However, as the Germans were making a fine example of
their well known efficiency, Scotrail were not, as for some unknown reason, my
train had already been and gone. This was a setback.
With forty minutes to wait for my next train, I opted to
find somewhere that I could sit in peace to get the start of the second half.
iPad out again, I went back on to TV Catch Up to continue my viewing. This
would be TV Catch Up that doesn't work over a cellular connection. With my Sky
subscription cancelled as of Saturday, SkyGo was a no go and having seen Tony
Pulis was commentating on Five Live, I decided no picture was better than this
audio.
I took to Twitter to see the Germans were 3-0 up and the
Portuguese were a man down, with STV offering a replay of Muller's second goal.
Then it hit me.
Ess Tee Vee Dot Tee Vee Dash Player!
I quickly scrambled to the log in page and decided to
hell with it, I'll "Login using Facebook", that most infuriating of
options given. All I want to do is watch some football, I don't want to give
you access to my photos and contacts, but if I must, to save literally twenty
seconds of using my email address to register, then so be it.
DOESN'T WORK
Incidentally, by the time I had thought of STV's online
channel, I had five minutes to get my train, so I logged in and left it at that
until about Rutherglen. I'd missed the opening 18 minutes of the second half by
this point. As soon as the four black dots appeared in the top left corner, the
indicator that video will work on my device, powered by the company I work for,
I went right back to Ess Tee Vee Dot Tee Vee Dash Player, only to be asked to
login again!
I did as was asked. Apparently I was already logged in,
which I had banked on in the first instance. Not to worry, I closed down the
open window, rebooted it and sure enough I got in. World Cup 2014 was clicked,
and the right-side-facing triangle known as the play button appeared over a
picture of Switzerland v Ecuador. This wasn't the game I was looking for. I
then spotted "Portugal v Germany Live" and touched on that picture.
Sure enough, up popped the play button over the right picture and the QuickTime
icon appeared. And stayed there.
For a while.
Until eventually the buffering circle began to move and a
couple of adverts came on. By this point, I knew it was becoming a futile task,
as there was about 10 minutes left of the game and I was halfway home. With the
ticker on the advert counting backwards from 30, it wouldn't be long until I
was watching the destruction handed out by the Deutschlanders to the Pepe-less
Portuguese. The half minute elapsed, but no video came on. Just the same
adverts again.
And with that, I gave up, and finished writing
yesterday's blog instead. When I got home I did manage to catch the goals on
the Beeb, but a game with a 4-0 scoreline and a ridiculous sending off was
worthy of more than just the 40 seconds per incident afforded to it. Which is
really why there's not much about the game in this blog.
First world problems, eh?
From what I did see before my catastrophic commute, the
penalty awarded for the tug on Goetze was soft, probably a little harder than
Fred's for Germany, but still soft. Muller made no mistake as he set himself on
his way to a hat trick. Tony Kroos' delivery and Mats Hummels' header was
Vorsprung Durch Technik personified, while Rui Patricio was more Basil Fawlty
in trying to fend off the Germans.
Muller should be very grateful to the Portuguese goalie
for gifting him his first international hat trick. How getting your whole body
behind the ball results in the ball ending up in the net always baffled me when
it happened to me in my goalkeeping heyday, but seeing Muller's second last
night, I still can't get my head around it. Rui Patricio effectively made
himself in to a ramp for the strike to go up and over, instead of being a wall
with knees, to deflect the ball away.
ANGRY PIRATE LOOKING THOMAS MULLER
The final goal was just pish goal keeping. Having been
bemused at Puma's odd boots thing they have going on, it was only a matter of
time before I thought I'd see the odd gloves out in force for the goalies. On
this occasion, Rui Patricio may have been better off with the boots on his
hands, as he served the ball up to Muller on a grass covered plate.
Amidst the goals, there was some classic Pepe for the
Portuguese to hang the defeat on. While not as violent as the Palacios-Pogba
clash from the night before, the fact that the Real Madr-idiot went back to
Muller to drop the cabeca (Cah-beh-sah) on him implied intent, so he had to go.
REAL MADRID-IOT
And with it went the Portuguese hopes of mounting a
comeback. From the accounts I've read, Flat Ronaldo was anonymous, giving up on
his man when he lost the ball as Germany almost grabbed a fourth, and hitting a
very non Ronaldo free kick, which Neuer wristed to safety.
Similar to my inability to
watch the game, Portugal seem to have been disconnected, not on the same
channel as one another and haven't made an enjoyable start to their World Cup
journey. Much like Spain, their bounce-backability
will be severely tested in their second group game, having suffered such a
heavy opening game loss. For Ronaldo, this World Cup will be all about
cementing him as the complete package at club and country level this year, but
his club mate Pepe, put paid to any plans he had of getting on the way to that
feat with his country.
The Germans on the other hand
will be buoyed ahead of their next game, and with Muller making such a good
start to the tournament, he could close in on Miroslav Klose's current German
WC record of 14 goals, now that he is on eight in seven appearances.
In the day's other games, Iran
and Nigeria gave up the tournament's first incident-less match with a 0-0 bore
draw, while USA beat Ghana 2-1, Clint Dempsey kicking the soccer ball in to the
goal bag in the first 30 seconds, Andrew Ayew levelling in the 82nd minute and
John Brooks bulleting a header home with four minutes left. That win made up
for two defeats in the last two World Cups that the Ghanaians have inflicted on
'Murica.
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